i'm back online now, making this short because it's 3:18 am and i want bed

you can contact me by talking to sandraday oconner on second life, or i'm still on msn at pgr3addict@hotmail.com, but i'm basically leaving everything else on the internet. my whole life has been a soap opera lately, and while things have been better lately, i can't handle an rl life which i finally have, plus an online life. if i ever get all of that back in order, i may be back, but even then it's unlikely. after all, even being on da i'm barely ever here.

before i do anything else, i have to say i really appreciate all of the positive support i got from everyone regarding my last journal.
Stole this here survey from scrumdiddlyicious

1] What is your pen name?
fordartist

2] How did you get the name?
i'm an artist that draws fords, or used to... now i texture race cars in second life

3] Do you use PC or Mac?
PC

4] What software you use most often?
second life

5] Do you use mouse or tablet?
laptop touch mouse thing

6] The color you use most often is?
black, all the cars are black, though i wish someone would request something else

7] What area of the pictures do you put most effort into?
front bumper

8] How long does it take you to draw a picture?
Depends on how much they pay me

9] Do you keep your rough drafts?
rarely. :B only because i'm too lazy to save it lmao

10] What kind of font do you use most often?
impact, good short track car number font

11] What's the dpi when you scan?
DPI!? Dirty Party Igloos? I'm always scannin those!!

yeah, what scrum said

12] Do you do anything else when you're drawing pictures?
Well i'm usually listening to music and singing =s

yeah, also what scrum said

13] How many pictures do you draw in a month?
alot, if you call those pictures... i'd say about ten

14] What kind of paper do you draw your pictures on?
none

15] What kind of paper do you use for sketches and drafts?
none

16] How long does it take to ink something?
umm... i repeat... no paper

17] Do you do doujinshi or original manga?
WTF? i like doughnuts if that's what you're asking

18] Do you like doujinshi? Is it fun making it?
only with chocolate frosting

19] Ever submitted anything to a magazine?
yup, an SL magazine, someone posed on one of my cars, i don't have to say any more do i?

20] Did it get published?
it will on november 1st

21] Who are your favorite artists?
anthony stuart and gibsonles paul, my two accounts on second life

22] What's your favorite Anime/Manga?
what?

23] Favorite Characters?
all of mine, including one i won't tell you about(mysterious isn't it?), and two you don't know about: inyokern and verse

24] Any artists that you'd like to draw like?
Sam Bass

25] Do you buy books a lot?
not art-related

26] Did you ever buy a book to inspire you to draw?
jah

27] Any video games you enjoy?
Duhhh but I am mostly addicted to second life

oo and nascar racing 2003 season biotch

28] Any favorite characters from video games?
jeff gordon, i pick his car and drive backwards to destroy it

29] Do you have a favorite writer?
Mark Salzman

30] Any books you really enjoy?
True Notebooks by Salzman

31] Do you write fanfics?
used to, but they were never published and i eventually lost them all

32] Any music that you often listen to while drawing?
Whatever comes up on itunes

33] Any recommended songs?
SISTER HAZEL BIOTCH, oh and my friend, whose site i lost, has some good video-game-inspired techno stuff

34] Any web sites that you totally admire?
umm... google? i mean da of course but that's pretty cliche'd

35] Do you have any sites you go to everyday?
here and secondlife.com

36] What is your dream site like?
da with a seperate window in the corner to play secondlife in

37] Do you like your own art?
hell yeah, especially if you see the trucks i've textured

38] What do you enjoy watching on TV?
races at irwindale

39] Favorite celebrity?
Barefoot Billy. if you don't know who that is GET YOUR ASS TO A FIGURE 8 RACE

40] Favorite color?
used to be orange but given yesterday i like the whole rainbow lmao

41] Favorite food?
fries and a good burger

42] Favorite drink?
SUNKIST BIOTCH!

43] Any places you like to shop at?
the campus bookstore...?

44] Can you cook?
i can "not cook" with the best of them

45] Any programs you use often for email?
sbc mail online

46] Are you a computer expert?
i believe so

47] Want to become a professional artist?
Well I reaaalllly would rather become a composer/artist : p I like making music more...nake ;D in bed...

Uhh...what?

shamelessly stole that answer from scrum too

48] Any other jobs you're interested in, besides an illustrator?
Composer!! : D or a psychologist, or a race car mechanic, but that one looks bleak if i can't get on seth's team next year... btw i do NOT want to be an illustrator anyway

49] Any other specialties besides drawing?
playing piano and bass guitar and singin!

50] Do you like to watch movies?
not really, unless it's a REALLY good movie, then i love it

51] What's your favorite movie?
jackass, duh

52] Have you ever entered art contests?
yup, but i didn't get a prize when i won other than someone chose me for a commissioned paint scheme for their race car

53] When did you start drawing seriously?
long time ago, but i haven't been painting these cars for long, i'd say about 4 months

54] Anything that you often use as a reference when you draw?
real cars and trucks

55] Have you met any of your fans online?
yup, and i usually become pretty good friends of them

56] You have a lot of pen pals?
...what???

57] You have a lot of friends that draw?
Friends offline? one.
Friends online? Fuck yeh.

58] What time do you usually go online?
When I want to lmao which could be anytime

59] Do you like to go to chat rooms?
Nah not anymore

60] Do you have your own computer?
Yup B)

61] What would you say to the person you admire?
Uhhh I love you and you make me happy in pants : D which is another stolen quote but it's so damn funny i had to repeat it

62] Do you think of things when you draw?
Er...Duh?

63] Have you drawn bad because you think too much?
Haha yeah all the time...Or when you find that little annoying thing that you can't just help but try to fix but make it worse so you're all like "GOD DAMN IT!!!" and go off into a horrible raging killing spree and blame them for your mistake

Good times...Goooood times B)

'nother stolen one since it' sreally funny

64] Do you have any friends who are professionals?
i met sam bass once

65] Where do you often hang out?
on campus

now starting a series of many stolen answers that all apply, up to number 70

66] Do you have any artists that you don't like too much?
Well kinda...nothin against their art but..they're kind of annoying and if you read this it's probably not you

67] Situations in which you really don't like being online?
When...I don't feel like talking? :S

68] Situations in which you hate when it comes to having web sites?
you have already seen two

69] Something that makes you really glad that the internet exists?
Talking to people and just having something to do =]

70] What about things that make you NOT glad that the internet exists?
IT TAKES YER SOUL!!!

71]What's the first picture you've ever shown to the public online?
you can check my gallery for that, it's a political cartoon about the super bowl

72] Do you still have that?
i just told you, in my gallery

73] Has your drawing style changed a lot?
Well yeah...I remember I use to put fucking like...6 legs on a dog when I was little hahaha I dunno wtf I was thinkin =s

74] How does it usually change?
templates for the cars, stolen from other programs

75] Have you experienced artists block before?
Well durr

76] How did you escape from it?
iuno... i ate red meat?

77] What happens when you have artists block?
I can't think of anything and say "god damn it fuck this shit!! *cries and runs away flailing arms*"

another stolen one

78] Any artists that have influenced you a lot?
sam bass

79] What made you start drawing?
I... needed a paint job for my car?

80] What made you want to get a web site?
I was lookin at anime shit on google and came across dev so I was all "OOOOOO THIS LOOKS KOOL t3h3!! n.n*join*"

more stealing

81] Where did your site name come from?
My sister randomly wrote it and then I just thought the word looked neat sooo yeh..I kept it though the writing of it really annoys me...TyPiNg LiKe ThIs Is NoT CoOl

82] What do you think about net manners?
They're pretty funny when someone's trying to be HxC over their keyboard haha

"LOL U JUS GOT PWN'D N00B"

83] Have you ever been spammed?
Yeah. But it was with loooove : D so I wish It'd happen more often

84] Ever thought about quitting your web page?
you guys know the answer to that

85] If so, why?
you guys know the answer to that

86] About how much KB is each picture?
30 prims in sl, or 31 to be exact
87] When creating your site, do you use a program or pure html?
Well since I don't create sites I shalt not answer :B

88] Do you have good eyesight?
HELL NO

89] If you can get any person's autograph, who's would you get?
barefoot billy, as i had his on my hat WITH A WASHABLE MARKER

90] What would you say to that artist when he/she autographs for you?
"gahhh you and your drawings are smexy letshavesex<3 D:"

91] Do you have fans of your art?
yup

92] Do you like to draw on oekaki bbs?
dude, look at number whatever it is where i said i draw for second life

93] Are you good at art in school?
no art class, i'm a music major, but if that counts i'm one of the best in my class
94] Did you take art lessons other than from school?
Nah. Though I might cause I wanna learn to play guitar too

95] Have you drawn a manga?
nuuuuuuuuuuu

96] What's your favorite phrase/quote?
"if you're going through hell, keep going"- winston churchill

97] Do you think your personality is different externally and internally?
Yeah.

98] What's your goal now?
to find someone to replace seth(good luck)

99] What do you have to say to yourself?
You're going to die in the end sooo : D you might as well make an ass of yourself and do all you can

more stolen lol

100] Lastly, what do you have to say to everyone?
LOOK AT MY LAST JOURNAL IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY, MEANING OCTOBER 26, 2006

a while ago, i mentioned in my last journal that there was more to the story. i didn't want to say it in the journal because my college roommates would be likely to find it. however, i'm planning to tell them tonight, so i'm accepting any advice on how to do that.
first of all, the friends that left me were leaving me because i was defending a close friend of mine that was gay. they were anti-gay and making comments about him which i would not stand for.
SECOND, AND THIS IS THE BIG THING, THE ONE I DIDN'T WANT TO TELL YOU, the reason i went to irwindale was not for the races. it was because i was in love with seth. put simply, i like guys, not girls.
third: the guy that seth and i had been fighting with was the other person i'd had feelings for, although those had completely disappeared long ago.
btw... sandra and i used to be bf and gf, but only for a few weeks, so short even my parents didn't know about her. teh person i was referring to as sandra in that journal was seth.
let me give you a summary of the past two weeks now.
last wednesday: finally feeling better, i talk to seth, and it seems there's a chance of a relationship developing.
last wednesday, 1:00: talk to my ID-117 teacher, i find out there's no chance of me passing that class.
2:10: talking to my academic advisor, i find out there's no chance of me passing speech either. i realize that makes three classes.
2:20: i'm crying in my advisor's office, telling her that i don't even really want a relationship with seth for my sake, i just wanted it for his sake.
2:30: i'm finally calmed down, and i discuss what to do. i decide to go ahead and drop id-117, and i'm considering dropping out of college completely.
2:50: i meet with my ID teacher again, at the end of her class, and she signs the papers to drop the class. i turn it in and that class is done.
3:00: i go to music
3:50: i leave music and go straight to my counselor.
5:00: i leave my counselor's office with the plan that i will drop math and speech, and focus for the rest of the semester on the classes i can still catch up in.
6:00 i call my parents and we decide i should come home to work on music.
THURSDAY TO SUNDAY: there's about six hours in this time that i don't spend working on music or sleeping.
MONDAY: more hope with seth from a mutual friend who tells me seth is often "quick to claim me" when someone asks about me, asking "why do you want to know?" very quickly.
MONDAY: my computer adaptor breaks
MONDAY: fight with seth about him never coming to visit me
TUESDAY: i'm sick again. runny nose turned into sore throat.
WEDNESDAY: still really sick, and i go to radio shack anyway for a new computer adaptor.
WEDNESDAY: letter from school that i misinterpret as being a letter requesting a meeting with the principal, in high school terms.
WEDNESDAY: long conversation with seth, it's over. we're not even waiting anymore. basically i'm fat and ugly and he's not attracted. still best friends but it's really upsetting.
THURSDAY: huge fight with my parents. i've taken about 30 minutes of free time this week, all of which was spent on the phone and on msn, and my parents think i'm not trying in school.
THURSDAY: i send them an email telling them that if i'm expected to be in a good mood and able to concentrate perfectly on my work after all of this then maybe college isn't the place for me, "but right now i'm doing the best i can, and if you can't respect that, it's not my problem anymore."
note: maybe not perfect wording but i'm so pissed right now i can't think straight.
IF ANY OF YOU EVEN THINKS OF FLAMING ME FOR COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET EARLIER IN THIS JOURNAL I'LL GET YOU OFF OF DA. I DON'T CARE WHAT I HAVE TO DO. I'M NOT DEALING WITH THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW.

i know it's been a long time since i've updated this journal... you'll see why in this one.
IF you're not much into the little things that happened, read the bullets
SATURDAY: not a bad thing, but it was the first to happen this week, and i may as well mention it... i left for college in august weighing 264 pounds, i was at seth's house saturday and i use his scale: TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTY POUNDS! THIRTY FIVE LOST!
SUNDAY: one of my roommates, sean, comes home sick... VERY sick... as in this is a TOUGH guy saying "if i make it through the night"
SUNDAY: one of my friends on SL leaves me, likely never to come back. he was mad obviously but i still don't know why exactly
SUNDAY: the whole dale earnhardt junior incident at talladega(HE HAD IT WON)
MONDAY: i'm in trouble for spending the weekend at seth's house to go to irwindale speeddway without telling my parents right before midterms.
MONDAY: i'm in the middle of a fight between two of my roommates, one was watching wrestling LOUD, the other wanted to use the WIRED internet connection in our house to study for midterms.(we can't get wireless to work)lemme tell you, that fight got UGLY!
TUESDAY: another sick roommate, and this is the one i share an actual bedroom with. i'm sleeping on the floor of the living room for the rest of the week.
:bullettred:TUESDAY: a girl named hollie wood who used to be my best friend online, who i'm now convinced is really a guy irl, had helped me build a plymouth superbird in the game to sell in the game. profits were split evenly between me, hollie, suku ming, and charon mandelbrot (charon is the company marketer, suku is my best friend (i hope, see below) Well, i hadn't seen HIM for about a month, and i im'd HIM asking for the textures(painted parts on the sides) of the superbird. it reminded HIM that HE had something he could use against me. HE GAVE IT TO RAVER BELLOW, FULL MOD RIGHTS(meaning he can do whatever he wants to it, including selling it)back info: raver bellow is a rival car dealer, another guy i'd thought was my friend until he banned me from his race track for reasons i may or may not end up being comfortable telling you all.
WEDNESDAY: first hints of trouble at club carnage in SL, hearing lots of jokes that offend me greatly, more to be heard later... MUCH later
WEDNESDAY: i'm sick... and i mean SICK. sore throat, can't breathe through my nose (literally can not do it), headache, the works.
:bullettred:THURSDAY: I'M ROBBED AT THE RACE! first race at suku's new track in sl, and i make the mistake of racing. i completely suck at the 1/4 mile race, having to drop out to avoid holding everyone else up. then comes the 1/3 mile, the big high-banked track. i qualify third, and by lap five i've taken the lead, (ten lap race) though i was helped by one of those two in front crashing. here's the thing... I'M PULLING AWAY! I'VE GOT A LEAD OF A COUPLE OF SECONDS AT A SHORT TRACK! then comes the red flag for a lag spike. we all deregister from the gate because someone crosses the line (which scores cars automatically) under red. we reregister with four laps to go. that is, the others do. IT DIDN'T REGISTER ME! i go, i don't hear race start but i don't notice it as i'm hearing race start for naughty desoto, race start for jayson peck, etc. then, i come back after the first lap, and crossing the line i don't hear"GIBSONLES PAUL has completed lap 1 in 11.8 seconds(my average time there)" so the next time by i'm pulling in, cussing LOUDLY even though i'm on the library internet connection at marymount. in the middle of pulling in i get an IM from suku, the race director, saying "don't stop, keep going." so i go again, IN THIRD PLACE! then comes the figure 8 race. suku, who was going to win anyway, as she always wins any race she's in and always competes in the figure 8 races, gets hit in the intersection with me running in second. now that sounds good right? WRONG. it knocked her into the starting line, and counted her for an extra lap. she tried to slow down and let me and the others make up the lap but couldn't due to traffic. i quit that race right away.
:bullettred:THURSDAY: more of those jokes lead into a huge fight at carnage. i immediately mute one of my better friends (kinda like blocking email addresses, i can't hear his chatting anymore), and vow never to go back to the club, my sponsor in sl and where i'd previously spent most of my time in the game.
:bullettred:THURSDAY: i im one of my best friends (let's call him john) and say "hey" which earns a response of "you're gonna rip into me aren't you. apparently he'd had a fight with someone i was looking for a relationship with (let's call her sandra)
:bullettred: FRIDAY: two from carnage are pissed at how i handled that situation, meaning the fight there, and i lose TWO MORE FRIENDS!
FRIDAY: i'm better now... sickness over
FRIDAY:i find out i'm likely to drop math, which is usually my best subject.
FRIDAY: (LITERALLY THE ONLY GOOD THING TO HAPPEN SINCE THE WEIGHING) new sister hazel C.D.
FRIDAY: i head home for the weekend.(okay, another good thing, maybe things are looking up again)
:bullettred:FRIDAYguess they're not looking up anymore) i get an im from sandra saying if i ever spoke to john again she'd be very very upset, implying she'd not speak to me again. i'm not ashamed to admidt i spent the next three hours crying face down on the floor as i'm now stuck in the middle of my two best friends fighting including one i was hoping to be my mate(yes, i went furry recently, at the suggestion of my last GF who i didn't mention here because i knew it wouldn't work out).
:bullettred:FRIDAY:i convinced her she couldn't do that to me, and that i'd been through enough and lost enough friends that week, but she was still pissed as hell.
:bullettred::bullettred::bullettred::bullettred:SATURDAY: (about 2:00 am) i find myself praying that sandra and i will not get together, not for my sake but because i don't think i could put sandra in another bad relationship and i'm not convinced i'd be a good one.
Saturdayafter waking up)okay, maybe not feeling better yet (read: doing number 3)
THERE WILL BE AN EDIT OF THIS SOMETIME DOWN THE ROAD ADDING EVEN MORE INTO THIS ONCE I'M COMFORTABLE WITH THE REEST, BUT THAT MAY BE A LONG TIME